Gun Makers Shift Production To Semi-Automatic Masks
Man With Two Monitors Doing Jack Shit
CANTON, OH — Observed through the wandering eyes of his trusted co-workers, Nick Harrington of accounts receivable briefly dozes off behind the incandescent glow of his not one but two “much needed” computer monitors. “That mother fucker,” murmured one of his co-workers. “Every morning, he comes in, turns on both his monitors and doesn’t do jack shit for the rest of […]
Trump Writers’ Room Scrambles As Mid-Season Ratings Tank
WASHINGTON D.C. — Record low ratings for Mr. Trump have sent his team of writers back to the drawing board where sources tell us they are grasping for straws, coming up with any and all ideas in an effort to avoid cancelation. “I got it!,” exclaimed one of the newer writers. “How about Mr. Trump attacks […]
Drink Served In Fucking Mason Jar
Felicity Huffman Frantically Eats Daughter’s Real SAT Score During FBI Probe
LOS ANGELES, CA — After hours of insisting that her daughter’s real SAT scores have gone missing, Felicity Huffman desperately began shoving in and eating what appeared to be her daughter’s actual SAT scores as FBI agents struggled to pry open her mouth. “It’s a cupcake. I’m just eating a cupcake,” Ms. Huffman garbled as […]
Distant Middle Of The Night Scream Probably Nothing
CHICAGO, IL — Shaking off what was for a brief second a moment of pure terror, Brandon Oliver was quick to dismiss the distant, blood-curdling scream that shook him awake as being “probably nothing.” The four-second long scream seemed to haunt Mr. Oliver for the next thirty seconds before checking his alarm clock and being comforted back […]
Gillette Introduces New 27 Blade Razor
BOSTON, MA — Shaking up the shaving industry, Gillette has introduced the world to its 27 blade razor. Gillette’s leading scientist, Miles Franco, spoke with us about the breakthrough design. “With our patented 27 blade technology, you get a clean shave and then some. Weaker 5 blade razors don’t penetrate the skin’s many under-layers, but with […]
GOP Releases New Children’s Book “I Don’t Care About You”
WASHINGTON D.C. — A new book penned by the GOP’s own Mitch McConnell, was released this morning entitled, I Don’t Care About You. The book is meant to serve as a simpler explanation of why the GOP would repeal The Affordable Care Act and deny healthcare for 30 Million Americans in a way that children everywhere will be able to understand. The […]
NFL To Replace Butt Slap With Tender French Kiss
New York City — Roger Goodell announced this morning that starting this week the NFL will be replacing the long-standing butt slap with a tender French kiss. The announcement by Mr. Goodell came as a shock to many, “We are aware how popular the congratulatory butt slap is to those in the NFL but we have decided […]
Bill Murray’s Drunken, Murderous Rampage Somehow Hilarious And Endearing To Chicagoans
CHICAGO, IL — Inebriated and unhinged, Bill Murray grabbed anyone within arm’s reach unleashing a barrage of violence. While fellow out-of-towners looked on in sheer horror, local Chicagoans laughed hysterically, even cheering Mr. Murray on and posing for selfies while the rampage ensued. “I fucking love Bill Murray! The man can do no wrong,” said […]