DALTON, GA — Fondly remembering about what life was like before President Trump, Robert Byers was quick to tear up upon realizing his current standing within society. “The last two weeks have been sobering to say the least,” said Byers. Being a life-long caucasian asshole, Mr. Byers is no stranger to criticism. “Listen, I get it. I’m as […]
PHILADELPHIA, PA — Celebrating after 7 years of long nights and weekends, Alex Miller finally received a long awaited promotion. Alex, a research assistant, was quick to change his business card to read Executive Research Assistant . “I gave up my life for this company, I feel so glad that my loyalty and hard work is finally rewarded. I knew that […]
LOGAN, NEW MEXICO — The unexpected arrival of extra terrestrials shocked the nation today as millions watched in anticipation as one of the extra terrestrials approached the podium and attempted to convey the first-ever message towards earthlings. Unfortunately, his message was quickly interrupted by President-elect Trump saying, “Excuse me, excuse me, you’re being very rude right now—very rude. […]
PITTSBURGH, PA — Writhing in pain from hours of torture and regular beatings, Walter Hendrix, 68, mustered up few words in front of the media. “Kill…me,” said Hendrix. The NFL has been on the hunt since this past Sunday, after discovering that someone had recorded one of their football games without approval. “This is what happens when […]
“This is the Garbage Dump free fall.”
NEW YORK CITY — Mouthing the words to every song and clenching his fists with a look of absolute power, local gay resident, Christian Rhodes, absorbed yet another Hamilton set. “Godddd yes!,” said Rhodes while taking it all in. Rhodes, a long standing supporter of Broadway, has sold everything and cashed in all favors in order to see […]
AUSTIN, TX — In a new triple-blind study, scientists found that tired drivers who combined drinking and texting were more likely to wreck their vehicle. The surprising results left scientists scratching their heads, “We thought there may be a few casualties, but wow—we had no idea.” Since the discovery, scientists have begun giving advice for those that […]
Cleveland, OH — Struggling to keep his eyes open during yet another day of deliberations, Juror #7 awoke from his bi-daily nap only to realize he is still at Jury Duty. “Uhhh…yeah, guilty. Sure, that works,” said Juror #7 upon waking. When asked by the jury foreman which counts of the crime he was voting guilty on, he replied, […]
Atlanta, GA — The seriousness of todays political climate appears to have no effect on the Johnson family as they revel in the picture quality of their newest television. “Look at the picture on that thing—absolutely incredible,” said Mark Johnson. Images of rioting set against the evanescent glow of ultra HD television appears to have […]
Wasilla, AK — Sarah Palin has taken point in her own state of Alaska in honoring those who have served on Veterans Day. “Thank god we have a day devoted to honoring Veterinarians and the sacrifice they make.” said Palin. “Today we recognize those that have served in the dog and kitty community. First and foremost we […]