Distant Middle Of The Night Scream Probably Nothing

Distant Middle Of The Night Scream Probably Nothing

CHICAGO, IL — Shaking off what was for a brief second a moment of pure terror, Brandon Oliver was quick to dismiss the distant, blood-curdling scream that shook him awake as being “probably nothing.”  The four second long scream seemed to haunt Mr. Oliver for the next 7 seconds before checking his alarm clock and being comforted […]

Oscar Acceptance Speech Given At Political Award Show

Oscar Acceptance Speech Given At Political Award Show

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Shock and awe as audience members at The Politician’s Choice Awards had to bear witness to a painful Oscar acceptance speech.  “Wow! I’m in shock right now. Growing up, I used to lie in bed and dream about this moment.  I don’t even have words for this.” said the winner pulling out a […]

Gillette Introduces New 27 Blade Razor

Gillette Introduces New 27 Blade Razor

BOSTON, MA — In an attempt to revitalize the shaving industry, Gillette appears to done it again by introducing the world to it’s 27 blade razor.  Gillette’s leading scientist, Miles Franco,  spoke with us about the breakthrough design.  “With our patented 27 blade technology, you get a clean shave and then some.  Weaker 5 blade razors […]

Alien Arrival Downplayed By Trump

Alien Arrival Downplayed By Trump

LOGAN, NEW MEXICO — The unexpected arrival of extra terrestrials shocked the nation today as millions watched in anticipation as one of the extra terrestrials approached the podium and attempted to convey the first-ever message towards earthlings.  Unfortunately, his message was quickly interrupted by President-elect Trump saying, “Excuse me, excuse me, you’re being very rude right now—very rude. […]

GOP Releases New Children’s Book “I Don’t Care About You”

GOP Releases New Children’s Book “I Don’t Care About You”

WASHINGTON D.C. — A new book penned by the GOP’s own Mitch McConnell, was released this morning entitled, I Don’t Care About You.  The book is meant to serve as a simpler explanation of why the GOP would repeal The Affordable Care Act and deny healthcare for 30 Million Americans in a way that children everywhere will be able to understand.  The […]

Local Sicko Enjoys Candy Corn

Local Sicko Enjoys Candy Corn

Minneapolis, MN — Savoring the flavor from his latest bite, Hank Paulson proudly displayed his love for candy corn at the neighborhood Halloween party. “What can I say, they’re delicious,” says Paulson.  Hank, a usually quite guy, is unable to hide his true colors when candy corn is in play. “There’s something about the taste of stale […]

Undecided Voter Burns Hand After Waiter Says Plate Is Hot

Undecided Voter Burns Hand After Waiter Says Plate Is Hot

Gainesville, FL — Undecided voter, Matt Heartfield, burned his hand after touching a plate that a waiter only seconds before said was “a very hot plate.”  Mr. Heartfield seemed very stunned by the what had happened saying, “The hot-hot HURTED me.”  Mr. Heartfield attempted to relieve his injuries by pouring pepper on the wound while saying, […]

Daughter Of Celebrity Enters Entertainment Industry

Daughter Of Celebrity Enters Entertainment Industry

Los Angeles, CA — Recent high school graduate and daughter of a famous celebrity, Caroline Brillstein, has made the bold decision to enter the entertainment industry.  Ms. Brillstein, who requested we call her by her new stage name, Cayenne,  had this to say about her decision, “Look, I could be a lawyer, or a doctor, or […]

Boy And Ironic T-Shirt Become One

Boy And Ironic T-Shirt Become One

Tulsa, OK — Walking the the hallways with a newfound swagger, Ryan Trenton of Grassland Middle School happily sports his newly acquired ironic t-shirt that reads, “Chinchillin”.  “I’ve had a lot—and I mean a lot—of ironic t-shirts in the past, but this one feels perfect.  It’s almost as if I’ve been wearing this shirt my whole life,” […]

Peyton Manning Drops Eli From Fantasy Team

Peyton Manning Drops Eli From Fantasy Team

Denver, CO — Weighing his options, Peyton Manning has made the tough decision to drop his brother, Eli Manning, from his fantasy football team.  “I’m not gonna make the same mistake as last year. I need someone that doesn’t fold under pressure—that’s why I picked up Tom Brady.”  Tom Brady, who was suspended four games for the infamous […]