STUDY: Joining An Adult Softball League Is A Surefire Way To Die In The City You Were Born

CARY, IL — Brad Smith has been playing in an adult softball league for 16 years. In high school, he was a year-round athlete, he was a varsity starting wide receiver by sophomore year. “It’s a good way for me and the guys to get together a few times a week,” says Brad. But a new study indicates that joining an adult softball league is a surefire way to die in the city where you were born. The study also shows that once you’ve been in the league for over ten years, certainty of hometown death increases to 98 percent.

Brad’s team, the Yager Bombers, has won the league championship three years running. “It was pretty sweet,” Brad explained. “They put out a few extra BBQ bacon cheeseburgers pizzas for us after our championship game at a really, really good discount. We’re pretty tight with the Pizza Hut night manager Ricky, he plays third base.” But like most things they come at a price; scientists have recently discovered a negative, inverse relationship between adult softball participation and life ambition.

“Scientists have recently discovered a negative, inverse relationship between adult softball participation and life ambition.”

Brad has been married to his high school sweetheart, Rachel, for 18 years. Rachel swears she loves her husband, but wishes that they got out a little more. “Every year for our vacation we stay at the Days Inn for a couple of weeks. It’s only three miles from our house, but Brad likes the french toast. It really is a great little continental breakfast.” Brad even turned down a promotion for a job in New Hampshire, along with a 35 percent salary increase. “He didn’t want to abandon the team,” explained Rachel. “He plays centerfield,” she continued, “the crux of the defense.”

Brad also looks forward to his high school reunions. The twenty year reunion is only a few months away and he’s already picked out his blazer. “I hope Tim shows up so I can shove this trophy up his ass,” Brad exclaimed. “He’s such a pussy.” Rachel then mentioned that Brad took it pretty hard after the ten year reunion was over. “He just laid in bed for about a month and watched Die Hard,” she said.