STUDY: Drunk, Tired, And Texting Is The Worst Way To Drive

AUSTIN, TX — In a new triple-blind study, scientists found that tired drivers who combined drinking and texting were more likely to wreck their vehicle.  The surprising results left scientists scratching their heads, “We thought there may be a few casualties, but wow—we had no idea.”  Since the discovery, scientists have begun giving advice for those that partake in this dangerous practice, “If you are drunk and tired—don’t text.  If you are tired and texting-don’t get drunk.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it.”

Skeptics have begun lashing out at the study.  “I’ll believe it when I see it,” says local skeptic Waylon Rogers.  “Frankly I’m tired of these scientists coming up with ‘facts’, trying to tell me what I can and can’t do.” While statistics are hard to ignore, some people including Rogers have vowed to continue their dangerous ways. “I plan on staying up all night drinking, driving, and texting. Ain’t nobody gonna stop me.”  Unfortunately, Rogers was killed late last night.  His last text should serve as a chilling warning to those interested in driving while drunk, tired, and texting.  It reads, “Tape wrestling for me when I get bac-.”