Government Approves Five Songs You Can’t Sit Down During

Washington D.C. — A vote was completed on capital hill this morning at 9AM central time to approve five songs that United States citizens are legally not allow to sit down during.  Given the recent backlash that Colin Kaepernick has received, the government has taken it upon themselves to clear up any confusion and has created a list of songs you cannot sit down during.

• The U.S. National Anthem
  • “It’s kind of our thing, a staple piece if you will.” – Dave Loebsack, (D-Iowa)
• “Who Let The Dogs Out”
  • “Some would say this is our 2nd National Anthem.” – Billy Long, (R-Missouri)
• The Lobby Music At Goldman Sachs  
  • “There’s something about meeting people there just just makes me happy, wink-wink!” – David Jolly, (R-Florida)
• “Shout” (only if performed by The Isley Brothers)
  •  “Oh my god, I love this song! Let’s watch Animal House!” – Judy Chu, (D-California)
• “The Macarena”:  “Oh boy, remember this one? I can’t stop, I won’t stop!” – Marsha Blackburn, (R-Tennessee)

If a United States Citizen is found to be sitting during any of these songs it can result in up some serious internet backlash, imprisonment, and in Alabama–the death penalty.  Sources on capital hill also point to a another list of approved songs that Americans will be able to sit down during.

• “In The Arms Of An Angel” by Sarah McLachlan
• The Mexican National Anthem
• The Chinese National Anthem
• The Canadian National Anthem
• “Friday” by Rebecca Black

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Nick Cutelli

Nick Cutelli is a Chicago native and has mastered the art of shaving ones back. While he's not doing that, he works as an actor/writer in Los Angeles California. Nick has his Bachelors of Fine Arts from S.E. Missouri State University and is a graduated of the Second City Chicago Improv conservatory and music conservatory. He regularly performs at the IO West and Second City Hollywood. If you need good back shaving tips you should contact him.

Latest posts by Nick Cutelli (see all)

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