Nuclear Facility Worries About Cell Phone Tower Next Door

Victoria, TX — In the age of lightning fast communication, some would risk it all for the conveniences of technology. But there is one particular Nuclear Power Facility in Victoria, Texas that has it’s concerns regarding the safety of such conveniences given the facilities proximity to a cell tower next door. 

Head Plutonium Explosion expert Stanley Hamlin had this to say regarding the cell tower, “Look, I’m not saying it causes cancer but I certainly don’t trust it.”  Local residents may remember Mr. Hamlin as the person that caused the Nuclear Saliva Spill of 2009 that poured into nearby communities contaminating nearly 90% of fresh water within a 300 mile radius. “I’m not saying we can’t have them somewhere, but I’m concerned for the safety of my men and myself. I mean the very act of radio waves is  dangerous…very dangerous. Not to mention they pollute the airwaves with god knows what else.”

“You should see some of our employees, they have tumors growing on their hands, feet, and one of our employees grew an extra ear. The only thing that could have done it is that damn cell tower.”

We reached out to higher ups at the Nuclear Facility and heard back from their Vice President, Barry Filkens where he insinuated that the tower has been responsible for giving his employees terrible disfigurements and diseases and intends to sue. “You should see some of our employees, they have tumors growing on their hands, feet, and one of our employees grew an extra ear. The only thing that could have done it is that damn cell tower.”

Mr. Filkens left us with one final statement, “Everyday I see my hard working employees use their bare hands to clean up left over Nuclear sludge and I think to myself, ‘their life depends on me’—and the fact that a cell tower is next door weighs on me heavily.