SCHAUMBURG, IL – The long-running CW show, Gilmore Girls, is the latest Netflix revival. The anticipation of the November 25th release led to Netflix Marathons and a spike in wine sales the preceding week. The show has been a cult favorite of white women all across America, especially in the Midwest, and has an even deeper following in the suburbs.
“It was pure terror”
“It was one of the most fucked up things I’ve even seen,” said Jim Donley, “all these white women came flooding out of the stores, I’ve never seen so many pairs of UGGs before. They were marching in unison and doing this shuffle type dance, it looked extremely unnatural.” Jim picked a poor day to check out some sneakers at his Foot Locker. In honor of the Netflix revival being released that day, Woodfield Mall decided to play the original theme song from the show over the PA on repeat for precisely two hours. “It was pure terror,” said a bystander at the mall. The janitorial crew had to call for back up due to thousands of Starbucks cups littering the floor. Most noticeably was the excessive amount of pink and red lipstick on almost every cup, with a vanilla latte and a double shot of espresso being the drink of choice.
” I’ve never seen so many pairs of UGGs before”
The study also found that white women have to sing or sway when the song is played. Reports find they tend to do both if they’ve had at least two glasses of red wine, especially if it’s a Merlot blend. The effects have been shown to be drastically increased in the kitchen. This is where a majority of white women log onto the popular website Pinterest for the latest infinity scarf trends. The study also found that these effects are magnified three fold during the holiday season, with Christmas having the most profound effect due to the extreme highs and lows of the holiday season.
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