Man Busted After Illegally Taping Latest NFL Game

Man Busted After Illegally Taping Latest NFL Game

PITTSBURGH, PA — Writhing in pain from hours of torture and regular beatings, Walter Hendrix, 68, mustered up few words in front of the media.  “Kill…me,” said Hendrix.  The NFL has been on the hunt since this past Sunday, after discovering that someone had recorded one of their football games without approval.  “This is what happens when […]

STUDY: Drunk, Tired, And Texting Is The Worst Way To Drive

STUDY: Drunk, Tired, And Texting Is The Worst Way To Drive

AUSTIN, TX — In a new triple-blind study, scientists found that tired drivers who combined drinking and texting were more likely to wreck their vehicle.  The surprising results left scientists scratching their heads, “We thought there may be a few casualties, but wow—we had no idea.”  Since the discovery, scientists have begun giving advice for those that […]

Wrigleyville Bars Embrace Cubs World Series By Charging $100 Cover

Wrigleyville Bars Embrace Cubs World Series By Charging $100 Cover

Chicago, IL — The price of baseball just went up in the popular Chicago neighborhood Wrigleyville. Many of the bars have decided to reward customers for their years of business by only charging a $100 cover to watch the Cubs play in the World Series.  Old Style’s have also jumped in price this week to an […]

No One Surprised Mike Ditka Clueless About Life For Blacks

No One Surprised Mike Ditka Clueless About Life For Blacks

Chicago, IL — Recently, former NFL coach Mike Ditka commented on protests of the National Anthem by Black athletes. Odd, considering how Ditka is not a professional athlete and no longer Black. Those of our older readers might remember Ditka forfeiting his honorary Black card when he said, “What the hell is this? Why would […]

Roger Goodell Demands 117% of Bar & Restaurant Revenue on Sundays

Roger Goodell Demands 117% of Bar & Restaurant Revenue on Sundays

New York, NY — Mark Davies, owner of Wings N’ Things, has been in business for twelve years, but the price of business just went up. The National Football League now demands 117% of bar and restaurant revenue on game days. “Sundays are usually our bread and butter,” said Mark. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is […]

Roger Goodell Releases Tom Brady From Tiny Snow Globe Above His Fireplace

Roger Goodell Releases Tom Brady From Tiny Snow Globe Above His Fireplace

New York, NY — The NFL Commissioner recently spent $645 million dollars on creating a shrinking device that only recognizes Tom Brady’s DNA.  Tom served his four game suspension under the commissioner’s close supervision above his fireplace. “Tom can be a real menace sometimes,” said Goodell.  “This way I can look out for the league’s best […]

NFL To Replace Butt Slap With French Kiss

NFL To Replace Butt Slap With French Kiss

New York City — Roger Goodell announced this morning that starting this week, the NFL will be replacing the long-standing butt slap with a tender French kiss.  The announcement came as a shock to many, “We are aware how popular the congratulatory butt slap is to those in the NFL but we have decided to move in […]

Peyton Manning Drops Eli From Fantasy Team

Peyton Manning Drops Eli From Fantasy Team

Denver, CO — Weighing his options, Peyton Manning has made the tough decision to drop his brother, Eli Manning, from his fantasy football team.  “I’m not gonna make the same mistake as last year. I need someone that doesn’t fold under pressure—that’s why I picked up Tom Brady.”  Tom Brady, who was suspended four games for the infamous […]