New York City — Roger Goodell announced this morning that starting this week the NFL will be replacing the long-standing butt slap with a tender French kiss. The announcement by Mr. Goodell came as a shock to many, “We are aware how popular the congratulatory butt slap is to those in the NFL but we have decided […]
PITTSBURGH, PA — Writhing in pain from hours of torture and regular beatings, Walter Hendrix, 68, mustered up few words in front of the media. “Kill…me,” said Hendrix. The NFL has been on the hunt since this past Sunday, after discovering that someone had recorded one of their football games without approval. “This is what happens when […]
AUSTIN, TX — In a new triple-blind study, scientists found that tired drivers who combined drinking and texting were more likely to wreck their vehicle. The surprising results left scientists scratching their heads, “We thought there may be a few casualties, but wow—we had no idea.” Since the discovery, scientists have begun giving advice for those that […]
Chicago, IL — The price of baseball just went up in the popular Chicago neighborhood Wrigleyville. Many of the bars have decided to reward customers for their years of business by only charging a $100 cover to watch the Cubs play in the World Series. Old Style’s have also jumped in price this week to an […]
Chicago, IL — Recently, former NFL coach Mike Ditka commented on protests of the National Anthem by Black athletes. Odd, considering how Ditka is not a professional athlete and no longer Black. Those of our older readers might remember Ditka forfeiting his honorary Black card when he said, “What the hell is this? Why would […]
New York, NY — Mark Davies, owner of Wings N’ Things, has been in business for twelve years, but the price of business just went up. The National Football League now demands 117% of bar and restaurant revenue on game days. “Sundays are usually our bread and butter,” said Mark. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is […]
New York, NY — The NFL Commissioner recently spent $645 million dollars on creating a shrinking device that only recognizes Tom Brady’s DNA. Tom served his four game suspension under the commissioner’s close supervision above his fireplace. “Tom can be a real menace sometimes,” said Goodell. “This way I can look out for the league’s best […]
Denver, CO — Weighing his options, Peyton Manning has made the tough decision to drop his brother, Eli Manning, from his fantasy football team. “I’m not gonna make the same mistake as last year. I need someone that doesn’t fold under pressure—that’s why I picked up Tom Brady.” Tom Brady, who was suspended four games for the infamous […]
CARY, IL — Brad Smith has been playing in an adult softball league for 16 years. In high school, he was a year-round athlete, he was a varsity starting wide receiver by sophomore year. “It’s a good way for me and the guys to get together a few times a week,” says Brad. But a […]
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