STUDY: 9 Out Of 10 Dead People Wish They Had Not

STUDY: 9 Out Of 10 Dead People Wish They Had Not

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Examining the after effects of life’s permanent departure, a study released this Monday confirmed that the majority of dead people wished they had not.  “Our analysis has determined that a staggering 9 out of 10 deceased individuals ranging from young to old and rich to poor had experienced a longing to continue existing,” said study […]

Mylan Introduces More Affordable EpiPen

Mylan Introduces More Affordable EpiPen

Washington, D.C. — Attempting to recover from the well deserved backlash against evidence of up-charging the life saving medication,  Mylan, the makers EpiPen, appears to have listened to consumers and have introduced an “affordable” option.   “Look, we screwed up. We didn’t think people would catch on to our bullshit—for that we are sorry,” said Chief of Operations, Hannah […]

Study: Crying In Public Seen As Weakness

Study: Crying In Public Seen As Weakness

San Francisco, CA — Making everyone around him extremely uncomfortable, Brian Stroman, only 3 months on the job sits in the middle of a busy workplace meeting quietly sobbing.  “Oh Christ, he’s doing it again,” replied his fellow co-worker, Shannon Lewis.  When asked about the frequency she replied, “It seems like it’s every other day now. Nobody […]

STUDY: Ants Spend Days Burning Shit With Magnifying Glass

STUDY: Ants Spend Days Burning Shit With Magnifying Glass

Kansas City, MO — Intending to map an ant’s daily routine, a new study has concluded that Ants spend most of their day burning random shit with a magnifying glass.  The lead scientist behind the experiment, Meredith Groff, described the behavior as being “kind of badass.” “They seem to enjoy the hell out of it” The […]

Beykeeper Tends To Beyhive

Beykeeper Tends To Beyhive

Atlanta, GA — Wandering the streets aimlessly until the Beyoncé concert this weekend,  fans of The Queen Bey had to be rounded up and tended to by a specialty Beykeeper.  “Technically they can live without me, but I tend to make things a little easier for them.  They tend to grow aggressive when they leave their natural […]

Nuclear Facility Worries About Cell Phone Tower Next Door

Nuclear Facility Worries About Cell Phone Tower Next Door

  Victoria, TX — In the age of lightning fast communication, some would risk it all for the conveniences of technology. But there is one particular Nuclear Power Facility in Victoria, Texas that has it’s concerns regarding the safety of such conveniences given the facilities proximity to a cell tower next door.  Head Plutonium Explosion expert […]