Cleveland, OH — Struggling to keep his eyes open during yet another day of deliberations, Juror #7 awoke from his bi-daily nap only to realize he is still at Jury Duty. “Uhhh…yeah, guilty. Sure, that works,” said Juror #7 upon waking. When asked by the jury foreman which counts of the crime he was voting guilty on, he replied, […]
Gary, IN — It was a day of tough decisions at the local petting zoo Dutch Creek Animal Park. Especially for little Bobby Mitchell Jr. who couldn’t make up his God damn mind when deciding which goat to pet. Bobby often takes his time when faced with such incredibly mundane decisions. “He pulls this shit all […]
Minneapolis, MN — Savoring the flavor from his latest bite, Hank Paulson proudly displayed his love for candy corn at the neighborhood Halloween party. “What can I say, they’re delicious,” says Paulson. Hank, a usually quite guy, is unable to hide his true colors when candy corn is in play. “There’s something about the taste of stale […]
Schaumburg, IL — Opening what has been determined to be a portal to hell, the newly built Red Lobster was unknowingly constructed on the grounds of an old Olive Garden. One of the owners commented, “My god, what have we done!? I was told this used to be a Denny’s. I never would have built this […]
Bowling Green, KY — Throwing out what is rumored to be his third couch of the year, Kevin Reynolds sees this as a constant reminder of his cats destructive power. “The little bastard does this all the time—he bounces around, scratches shit up, and then disappears.” said Kevin. Over the years Kevin has grown numb to […]
Los Angeles, CA — Earlier this morning, long time dog owner Ted Kotlet was locked and left in his car while his Jack Russell Terrier, Terry, made his way into Pets Mart. Ted was left in his car on a hot 98 Degree Los Angeles Day with not even a window cracked while his dog enjoyed the […]
Boston, MA — Clicking through the channels on her brand new 4K TV, Kimberly Marks seems to be unaware of the fact that she is watching TV in standard definition. “Honestly, it doesn’t matter to me. I can’t tell the difference,” said Kimberly. Her boyfriend, Tristan, told us how he’s brought this to her attention many times. […]
Tulsa, OK — Walking the the hallways with a newfound swagger, Ryan Trenton of Grassland Middle School happily sports his newly acquired ironic t-shirt that reads, “Chinchillin”. “I’ve had a lot—and I mean a lot—of ironic t-shirts in the past, but this one feels perfect. It’s almost as if I’ve been wearing this shirt my whole life,” […]
Washington, D.C. — In what was supposed to be a grand event quickly turned into quite an embarrassing moment for the Obama Administration as The White House’s credit card was declined at the State Dinner. The humiliating event happened just moments after President Obama had been busy entertaining The British Royal Family. Attendees could hear the […]
Cincinnati, OH — Racking his brain for something he may have forgotten, recently retired Walter Henderson aimlessly wanders his house looking for something, anything to do. Three weeks ago, Henderson, a 31-year veteran of the work force, decided to give it all up and focus on his long forgotten dream of finding something to do around the […]