Gun Makers Shift Production To Semi-Automatic Masks
Man With Two Monitors Doing Jack Shit
CANTON, OH — Observed through the wandering eyes of his trusted co-workers, Nick Harrington of accounts receivable briefly dozes off behind the incandescent glow of his not one but two “much needed” computer monitors. “That mother fucker,” murmured one of his co-workers. “Every morning, he comes in, turns on both his monitors and doesn’t do jack shit for the rest of […]
Distant Middle Of The Night Scream Probably Nothing
CHICAGO, IL — Shaking off what was for a brief second a moment of pure terror, Brandon Oliver was quick to dismiss the distant, blood-curdling scream that shook him awake as being “probably nothing.” The four-second long scream seemed to haunt Mr. Oliver for the next thirty seconds before checking his alarm clock and being comforted back […]
New Tap Water Challenge Popular Among Teens
SAN BRUNO, CALIFORNIA — Surging its way to the top of Youtube’s chart is the newest teen challenge of drinking pure, unfiltered tap water straight from the faucet. One Youtuber in particular, known simply as AcidFartz69, has garnered more than 3 million views in a mere 24 hours from his latest upload, showcasing the young teenager […]
Carlos Mencia Statue Removed From Comedy Central Headquarters
NEW YORK CITY — Declaring this to be the start of a new era, Comedy Central has removed the long-standing statue of the once popular Carlos Mencia. “While we recognize our rich comedic history, we must also be held accountable for the mistakes we have made along the way,” said Comedy Central President Ross Neumann. […]
Airline Apologizes For Strapping Man To Roof Of Plane Due To Oversold Flight
LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY — Unified Airlines attempted an apology for what seems to be just another example of the airlines trying to correct an oversold flight as a passenger was forcibly removed from his seat and strapped to the roof of the plane for the duration of the flight. “We reserve the right to strap any of our […]
STUDY: 9 Out Of 10 Dead People Wish They Had Not
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Examining the after effects of life’s permanent departure, a study released this Monday confirmed that the majority of dead people wished they had not. “Our analysis has determined that a staggering 9 out of 10 deceased individuals ranging from young to old and rich to poor had experienced a longing to continue existing,” said study […]
Unhappy Children Staying Together For The Parents
HARTFORD, CONNECTICUT — Coming together since their most recent spat, Silvia and Cody McIver have decided to stay together for the good of their parents. “It’s no secret that Silvia and I haven’t been happy for a long time now. However, we think that us splitting up would only do irrevocable damage to our parents fragile […]
Man Mistakes Promotion For Pay Raise
PHILADELPHIA, PA — Celebrating after 7 years of long nights and weekends, Alex Miller finally received a long awaited promotion. Alex, a research assistant, was quick to change his business card to read Executive Research Assistant . “I gave up my life for this company, I feel so glad that my loyalty and hard work is finally rewarded. I knew that […]
Alien Arrival Downplayed By Trump
LOGAN, NEW MEXICO — The unexpected arrival of extra terrestrials shocked the nation today as millions watched in anticipation as one of the extra terrestrials approached the podium and attempted to convey the first-ever message towards earthlings. Unfortunately, his message was quickly interrupted by President-elect Trump saying, “Excuse me, excuse me, you’re being very rude right now—very rude. […]