Drink Served In Fucking Mason Jar
Unhappy Children Staying Together For The Parents
HARTFORD, CONNECTICUT — Coming together since their most recent spat, Silvia and Cody McIver have decided to stay together for the good of their parents. “It’s no secret that Silvia and I haven’t been happy for a long time now. However, we think that us splitting up would only do irrevocable damage to our parents fragile […]
“Trump Gives Guys Like Me A Bad Name” Says White Asshole
DALTON, GA — Fondly remembering about what life was like before President Trump, Robert Byers was quick to tear up upon realizing his current standing within society. “The last two weeks have been sobering to say the least,” said Byers. Being a life-long caucasian asshole, Mr. Byers is no stranger to criticism. “Listen, I get it. I’m as […]
STUDY: White Women Congregate To Gilmore Girls Theme Song
SCHAUMBURG, IL – The long-running CW show, Gilmore Girls, is the latest Netflix revival. The anticipation of the November 25th release led to Netflix Marathons and a spike in wine sales the preceding week. The show has been a cult favorite of white women all across America, especially in the Midwest, and has an even […]
Gay Man Grows Stronger As He Absorbs Yet Another Hamilton Set
NEW YORK CITY — Mouthing the words to every song and clenching his fists with a look of absolute power, local gay resident, Christian Rhodes, absorbed yet another Hamilton set. “Godddd yes!,” said Rhodes while taking it all in. Rhodes, a long standing supporter of Broadway, has sold everything and cashed in all favors in order to see […]
5-Year-Old Can’t Make Up His God Damn Mind About Which Goat to Pet
Gary, IN — It was a day of tough decisions at the local petting zoo Dutch Creek Animal Park. Especially for little Bobby Mitchell Jr. who couldn’t make up his God damn mind when deciding which goat to pet. Bobby often takes his time when faced with such incredibly mundane decisions. “He pulls this shit all […]
Red Lobster Built On Old Olive Garden Grounds Opens Portal To Hell
Schaumburg, IL — Opening what has been determined to be a portal to hell, the newly built Red Lobster was unknowingly constructed on the grounds of an old Olive Garden. One of the owners commented, “My god, what have we done!? I was told this used to be a Denny’s. I never would have built this […]
I Forgot To Have Weird Experimental Sex In College, What Should I Do?
Santa Barbara, CA — For seven years now, Samantha Barnes, 29, has had a bad feeling that she had forgotten to do something—something very important. Unfortunately for Ms. Barnes, her nightmare came true upon the realization that she had completed college but failed to experiment with weird sex. “Weird experimental sex is why we go to college.” […]
Gotham Found To Be Decent If You Have Basic Cable
Kansas City, MO — The just-average TV show Gotham returned with an all right episode. The show is found to be semi-decent if you don’t have a lot of options. Tyler Parks, who got rid of his premium cable package just two weeks ago, catches an episode every now and then. “I’ve only got like […]
Boy And Ironic T-Shirt Become One
Tulsa, OK — Walking the the hallways with a newfound swagger, Ryan Trenton of Grassland Middle School happily sports his newly acquired ironic t-shirt that reads, “Chinchillin”. “I’ve had a lot—and I mean a lot—of ironic t-shirts in the past, but this one feels perfect. It’s almost as if I’ve been wearing this shirt my whole life,” […]