Drink Served In Fucking Mason Jar
Distant Middle Of The Night Scream Probably Nothing
CHICAGO, IL — Shaking off what was for a brief second a moment of pure terror, Brandon Oliver was quick to dismiss the distant, blood-curdling scream that shook him awake as being “probably nothing.” The four-second long scream seemed to haunt Mr. Oliver for the next thirty seconds before checking his alarm clock and being comforted back […]
Gillette Introduces New 27 Blade Razor
BOSTON, MA — Shaking up the shaving industry, Gillette has introduced the world to its 27 blade razor. Gillette’s leading scientist, Miles Franco, spoke with us about the breakthrough design. “With our patented 27 blade technology, you get a clean shave and then some. Weaker 5 blade razors don’t penetrate the skin’s many under-layers, but with […]
GOP Releases New Children’s Book “I Don’t Care About You”
WASHINGTON D.C. — A new book penned by the GOP’s own Mitch McConnell, was released this morning entitled, I Don’t Care About You. The book is meant to serve as a simpler explanation of why the GOP would repeal The Affordable Care Act and deny healthcare for 30 Million Americans in a way that children everywhere will be able to understand. The […]
Alien Arrival Downplayed By Trump
LOGAN, NEW MEXICO — The unexpected arrival of extra terrestrials shocked the nation today as millions watched in anticipation as one of the extra terrestrials approached the podium and attempted to convey the first-ever message towards earthlings. Unfortunately, his message was quickly interrupted by President-elect Trump saying, “Excuse me, excuse me, you’re being very rude right now—very rude. […]
Local Sicko Enjoys Candy Corn
Minneapolis, MN — Savoring the flavor from his latest bite, Hank Paulson proudly displayed his love for candy corn at the neighborhood Halloween party. “What can I say, they’re delicious,” says Paulson. Hank, a usually quite guy, is unable to hide his true colors when candy corn is in play. “There’s something about the taste of stale […]
Undecided Voter Burns Hand After Waiter Says Plate Is Hot
Gainesville, FL — Undecided voter, Matt Heartfield, burned his hand after touching a plate that a waiter only seconds before said was “a very hot plate.” Mr. Heartfield seemed very stunned by the what had happened saying, “The hot-hot HURTED me.” Mr. Heartfield attempted to relieve his injuries by pouring pepper on the wound while saying, […]
Daughter Of Celebrity Enters Entertainment Industry
Los Angeles, CA — Recent high school graduate and daughter of a famous celebrity, Caroline Brillstein, has made the bold decision to enter the entertainment industry. Ms. Brillstein, who requested we call her by her new stage name, Cayenne, had this to say about her decision, “Look, I could be a lawyer, or a doctor, or […]
Boy And Ironic T-Shirt Become One
Tulsa, OK — Walking the the hallways with a newfound swagger, Ryan Trenton of Grassland Middle School happily sports his newly acquired ironic t-shirt that reads, “Chinchillin”. “I’ve had a lot—and I mean a lot—of ironic t-shirts in the past, but this one feels perfect. It’s almost as if I’ve been wearing this shirt my whole life,” […]
Peyton Manning Drops Eli From Fantasy Team
Denver, CO — Weighing his options, Peyton Manning has made the tough decision to drop his brother, Eli Manning, from his fantasy football team. “I’m not gonna make the same mistake as last year. I need someone that doesn’t fold under pressure—that’s why I picked up Tom Brady.” Tom Brady, who was suspended four games for the infamous […]