LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY — Unified Airlines attempted an apology for what seems to be just another example of the airlines trying to correct an oversold flight as a passenger was forcibly removed from his seat and strapped to the roof of the plane for the duration of the flight. “We reserve the right to strap any of our […]
AKRON, OHIO — What was once an abandoned and dilapidated teenage funhouse containing decades worth of carnal fluids is now someone’s possible dream home. The 3 bed, 2 bed remodel comes with brand new stainless appliances, the original oak hard-wood floors, and a booklet detailing the home’s history. Given the home’s rich history, the remodel was given delicate thought by […]
BOSTON, MA — In an attempt to revitalize the shaving industry, Gillette appears to done it again by introducing the world to it’s 27 blade razor. Gillette’s leading scientist, Miles Franco, spoke with us about the breakthrough design. “With our patented 27 blade technology, you get a clean shave and then some. Weaker 5 blade razors […]
PHILADELPHIA, PA — Celebrating after 7 years of long nights and weekends, Alex Miller finally received a long awaited promotion. Alex, a research assistant, was quick to change his business card to read Executive Research Assistant . “I gave up my life for this company, I feel so glad that my loyalty and hard work is finally rewarded. I knew that […]
ATLANTA, GA — Empire Capital Firm is positioning themselves to be the nation’s leading investor in “Uber-Esque” businesses. “We have seen ten ‘It’s like Uber but for Colonics” this week alone”, explained CEO Trey Ubanks. “The key now is understanding strategy and choosing which start-up can actually deliver a water based butt release wherever a customer […]
Schaumburg, IL — Opening what has been determined to be a portal to hell, the newly built Red Lobster was unknowingly constructed on the grounds of an old Olive Garden. “I was told this used to be a Denny’s. I never would have built this knowing what I know now.” It appears that Red Lobster’s owners […]
We can all rest easy this weekend because we just found out that CHRIS TUCKER IS STILL ALIVE!