Girlfriend Watches Show In Standard Definition

Girlfriend Watches Show In Standard Definition

Boston, MA — Clicking through the channels on her brand new 4K TV, Kimberly Marks seems to be unaware of the fact that she is watching TV in standard definition.  “Honestly, it doesn’t matter to me. I can’t tell the difference,” said Kimberly.  Her boyfriend, Tristan, told us how he’s brought this to her attention many times. […]

Maury Reveals Lie Detector Results Live At Debate

Maury Reveals Lie Detector Results Live At Debate

Long Island, NY  — Writhing with anticipation, Maury Povich revealed the results from the candidates live via a lie detector test at Hofstra University.  Donald Trump has been fighting live fact checking at the first debate to no avail. “Donald, you said that you don’t hate all muslims—the lie detector determined that was a lie.” “Donald, […]

Boy And Ironic T-Shirt Become One

Boy And Ironic T-Shirt Become One

Tulsa, OK — Walking the the hallways with a newfound swagger, Ryan Trenton of Grassland Middle School happily sports his newly acquired ironic t-shirt that reads, “Chinchillin”.  “I’ve had a lot—and I mean a lot—of ironic t-shirts in the past, but this one feels perfect.  It’s almost as if I’ve been wearing this shirt my whole life,” […]

NFL To Replace Butt Slap With French Kiss

NFL To Replace Butt Slap With French Kiss

New York City — Roger Goodell announced this morning that starting this week, the NFL will be replacing the long-standing butt slap with a tender French kiss.  The announcement came as a shock to many, “We are aware how popular the congratulatory butt slap is to those in the NFL but we have decided to move in […]

Ed Asner Sets Unrealistic Standard Of Beauty For Men

Ed Asner Sets Unrealistic Standard Of Beauty For Men

Los Angeles — Coasting around the Hollywood like the cats-pajamas, Ed Asner proudly flaunts his devilishly good looks to those around him.  For years, rumors have swirled that Asner’s larger-than-life ears and nose are a product of plastic surgery.  A hollywood insider close to Mr. Asner claims “His nose and ears are 100% real. I promise […]

Peyton Manning Drops Eli From Fantasy Team

Peyton Manning Drops Eli From Fantasy Team

Denver, CO — Weighing his options, Peyton Manning has made the tough decision to drop his brother, Eli Manning, from his fantasy football team.  “I’m not gonna make the same mistake as last year. I need someone that doesn’t fold under pressure—that’s why I picked up Tom Brady.”  Tom Brady, who was suspended four games for the infamous […]

“Hillary Clinton? She’s Been Dead For 13 Years” Says Longtime Neighbor

“Hillary Clinton? She’s Been Dead For 13 Years” Says Longtime Neighbor

Chappaqua, New York — Racking his brain about the last time he saw Hillary Clinton, Stan Dunhill, the longtime neighbor of The Clintons spoke to the media saying, “Hillary Clinton? I haven’t heard that name in a long while. Why…she’s been dead for 13 years.”  While the media has been scrambling to find more information about Mrs. […]

No Way!: Sienna Miller Drives A Toyota Sienna

No Way!:  Sienna Miller Drives A Toyota Sienna

Los Angeles, CA — For years we have all thought it and now we are happy to confirm that Sienna Miller actually drives a Toyota Sienna minivan.  “It’s my pride and joy,” said Miller.  “When I’m not busy working on a movie or I’m half-way across the world modeling, I like to take this baby out for […]

White House Credit Card Declined At State Dinner

White House Credit Card Declined At State Dinner

Washington, D.C. — In what was supposed to be a grand event quickly turned into quite an embarrassing moment for the Obama Administration as The White House’s credit card was declined at the State Dinner. The humiliating event happened just moments after President Obama had been busy entertaining The British Royal Family.  Attendees could hear the […]