U.S. Masturbates To Picture Of Self Wearing I Voted Sticker
Local Sicko Enjoys Candy Corn
Minneapolis, MN — Savoring the flavor from his latest bite, Hank Paulson proudly displayed his love for candy corn at the neighborhood Halloween party. “What can I say, they’re delicious,” says Paulson. Hank, a usually quite guy, is unable to hide his true colors when candy corn is in play. “There’s something about the taste of stale […]
Red Lobster Built On Old Olive Garden Grounds Opens Portal To Hell
Schaumburg, IL — Opening what has been determined to be a portal to hell, the newly built Red Lobster was unknowingly constructed on the grounds of an old Olive Garden. One of the owners commented, “My god, what have we done!? I was told this used to be a Denny’s. I never would have built this […]
Undecided Voter Burns Hand After Waiter Says Plate Is Hot
Gainesville, FL — Undecided voter, Matt Heartfield, burned his hand after touching a plate that a waiter only seconds before said was “a very hot plate.” Mr. Heartfield seemed very stunned by the what had happened saying, “The hot-hot HURTED me.” Mr. Heartfield attempted to relieve his injuries by pouring pepper on the wound while saying, […]
I Forgot To Have Weird Experimental Sex In College, What Should I Do?
Santa Barbara, CA — For seven years now, Samantha Barnes, 29, has had a bad feeling that she had forgotten to do something—something very important. Unfortunately for Ms. Barnes, her nightmare came true upon the realization that she had completed college but failed to experiment with weird sex. “Weird experimental sex is why we go to college.” […]
Couch Remnants A Deadly Reminder Of Feline Destruction
Bowling Green, KY — Throwing out what is rumored to be his third couch of the year, Kevin Reynolds sees this as a constant reminder of his cats destructive power. “The little bastard does this all the time—he bounces around, scratches shit up, and then disappears.” said Kevin. Over the years Kevin has grown numb to […]
Daughter Of Celebrity Enters Entertainment Industry
Los Angeles, CA — Recent high school graduate and daughter of a famous celebrity, Caroline Brillstein, has made the bold decision to enter the entertainment industry. Ms. Brillstein, who requested we call her by her new stage name, Cayenne, had this to say about her decision, “Look, I could be a lawyer, or a doctor, or […]
Girlfriend Watches Show In Standard Definition
Boston, MA — Clicking through the channels on her brand new 4K TV, Kimberly Marks seems to be unaware of the fact that she is watching TV in standard definition. “Honestly, it doesn’t matter to me. I can’t tell the difference,” said Kimberly. Her boyfriend, Tristan, told us how he’s brought this to her attention many times. […]
Maury Reveals Lie Detector Results Live At Debate
Long Island, NY — Writhing with anticipation, Maury Povich revealed the results from the candidates live via a lie detector test at Hofstra University. Donald Trump has been fighting live fact checking at the first debate to no avail. “Donald, you said that you don’t hate all muslims—the lie detector determined that was a lie.” “Donald, […]
Boy And Ironic T-Shirt Become One
Tulsa, OK — Walking the the hallways with a newfound swagger, Ryan Trenton of Grassland Middle School happily sports his newly acquired ironic t-shirt that reads, “Chinchillin”. “I’ve had a lot—and I mean a lot—of ironic t-shirts in the past, but this one feels perfect. It’s almost as if I’ve been wearing this shirt my whole life,” […]