“Uhhh…Yeah, Guilty. Sure, That Works” Says Juror Woken From Nap

“Uhhh…Yeah, Guilty. Sure, That Works” Says Juror Woken From Nap

Cleveland, OH — Struggling to keep his eyes open during yet another day of deliberations, Juror #7 awoke from his bi-daily nap only to realize he is still at Jury Duty.  “Uhhh…yeah, guilty. Sure, that works,” said Juror #7 upon waking.  When asked by the jury foreman which counts of the crime he was voting guilty on, he replied, […]

Family Watches Country Burn Through Evanescent Glow Of 60 Inch Ultra HD TV

Family Watches Country Burn Through Evanescent Glow Of 60 Inch Ultra HD TV

Atlanta, GA — The seriousness of todays political climate appears to have no effect on the Johnson family as they revel in the picture quality of their newest television.  “Look at the picture on that thing—absolutely incredible,” said Mark Johnson.  Images of rioting set against the evanescent glow of ultra HD television appears to have […]

Sarah Palin Salutes Veterinarians Across America

Sarah Palin Salutes Veterinarians Across America

Wasilla, AK — Sarah Palin has taken point in her own state of Alaska in honoring those who have served on Veterans Day.  “Thank god we have a day devoted to honoring Veterinarians and the sacrifice they make.” said Palin.  “Today we recognize those that have served in the dog and kitty community. First and foremost we […]

Local Sicko Enjoys Candy Corn

Local Sicko Enjoys Candy Corn

Minneapolis, MN — Savoring the flavor from his latest bite, Hank Paulson proudly displayed his love for candy corn at the neighborhood Halloween party. “What can I say, they’re delicious,” says Paulson.  Hank, a usually quite guy, is unable to hide his true colors when candy corn is in play. “There’s something about the taste of stale […]

Undecided Voter Burns Hand After Waiter Says Plate Is Hot

Undecided Voter Burns Hand After Waiter Says Plate Is Hot

Gainesville, FL — Undecided voter, Matt Heartfield, burned his hand after touching a plate that a waiter only seconds before said was “a very hot plate.”  Mr. Heartfield seemed very stunned by the what had happened saying, “The hot-hot HURTED me.”  Mr. Heartfield attempted to relieve his injuries by pouring pepper on the wound while saying, […]

I Forgot To Have Weird Experimental Sex In College, What Should I Do?

I Forgot To Have Weird Experimental Sex In College, What Should I Do?

Santa Barbara, CA — For seven years now, Samantha Barnes, 29, has had a bad feeling that she had forgotten to do something—something very important. Unfortunately for Ms. Barnes, her nightmare came true upon the realization that she had completed college but failed to experiment with weird sex.  “Weird experimental sex is why we go to college.” […]

Couch Remnants A Deadly Reminder Of Feline Destruction

Couch Remnants A Deadly Reminder Of Feline Destruction

Bowling Green, KY — Throwing out what is rumored to be his third couch of the year, Kevin Reynolds sees this as a constant reminder of his cats destructive power. “The little bastard does this all the time—he bounces around, scratches shit up, and then disappears.” said Kevin.  Over the years Kevin has grown numb to […]

Daughter Of Celebrity Enters Entertainment Industry

Daughter Of Celebrity Enters Entertainment Industry

Los Angeles, CA — Recent high school graduate and daughter of a famous celebrity, Caroline Brillstein, has made the bold decision to enter the entertainment industry.  Ms. Brillstein, who requested we call her by her new stage name, Cayenne,  had this to say about her decision, “Look, I could be a lawyer, or a doctor, or […]