Unhappy Children Staying Together For The Parents

Unhappy Children Staying Together For The Parents

HARTFORD, CONNECTICUT — Coming together since their most recent spat, Silvia and Cody McIver have decided to stay together for the good of their parents.  “It’s no secret that Silvia and I haven’t been happy for a long time now.  However, we think that us splitting up would only do irrevocable damage to our parents fragile […]

Gillette Introduces New 27 Blade Razor

Gillette Introduces New 27 Blade Razor

BOSTON, MA — In an attempt to revitalize the shaving industry, Gillette appears to done it again by introducing the world to it’s 27 blade razor.  Gillette’s leading scientist, Miles Franco,  spoke with us about the breakthrough design.  “With our patented 27 blade technology, you get a clean shave and then some.  Weaker 5 blade razors […]

“Trump Gives Guys Like Me A Bad Name” Says White Asshole

“Trump Gives Guys Like Me A Bad Name” Says White Asshole

DALTON, GA — Fondly remembering about what life was like before President Trump, Robert Byers was quick to tear up upon realizing his current standing within society.  “The last two weeks have been sobering to say the least,” said Byers.  Being a life-long caucasian asshole, Mr. Byers is no stranger to criticism.  “Listen, I get it.  I’m as […]

Man Mistakes Promotion For Pay Raise

Man Mistakes Promotion For Pay Raise

PHILADELPHIA, PA — Celebrating after 7 years of long nights and weekends, Alex Miller finally received a long awaited promotion.  Alex, a research assistant, was quick to change his business card to read Executive Research Assistant .  “I gave up my life for this company, I feel so glad that my loyalty and hard work is finally rewarded.  I knew that […]

Alien Arrival Downplayed By Trump

Alien Arrival Downplayed By Trump

LOGAN, NEW MEXICO — The unexpected arrival of extra terrestrials shocked the nation today as millions watched in anticipation as one of the extra terrestrials approached the podium and attempted to convey the first-ever message towards earthlings.  Unfortunately, his message was quickly interrupted by President-elect Trump saying, “Excuse me, excuse me, you’re being very rude right now—very rude. […]

GOP Releases New Children’s Book “I Don’t Care About You”

GOP Releases New Children’s Book “I Don’t Care About You”

WASHINGTON D.C. — A new book penned by the GOP’s own Mitch McConnell, was released this morning entitled, I Don’t Care About You.  The book is meant to serve as a simpler explanation of why the GOP would repeal The Affordable Care Act and deny healthcare for 30 Million Americans in a way that children everywhere will be able to understand.  The […]

Man Busted After Illegally Taping Latest NFL Game

Man Busted After Illegally Taping Latest NFL Game

PITTSBURGH, PA — Writhing in pain from hours of torture and regular beatings, Walter Hendrix, 68, mustered up few words in front of the media.  “Kill…me,” said Hendrix.  The NFL has been on the hunt since this past Sunday, after discovering that someone had recorded one of their football games without approval.  “This is what happens when […]

Gay Man Grows Stronger As He Absorbs Yet Another Hamilton Set

Gay Man Grows Stronger As He Absorbs Yet Another Hamilton Set

NEW YORK CITY — Mouthing the words to every song and clenching his fists with a look of absolute power, local gay resident, Christian Rhodes, absorbed yet another Hamilton set.  “Godddd yes!,” said Rhodes while taking it all in.  Rhodes, a long standing supporter of Broadway, has sold everything and cashed in all favors in order to see […]

STUDY: Drunk, Tired, And Texting Is The Worst Way To Drive

STUDY: Drunk, Tired, And Texting Is The Worst Way To Drive

AUSTIN, TX — In a new triple-blind study, scientists found that tired drivers who combined drinking and texting were more likely to wreck their vehicle.  The surprising results left scientists scratching their heads, “We thought there may be a few casualties, but wow—we had no idea.”  Since the discovery, scientists have begun giving advice for those that […]